Are You Shrinking to Fit? Understanding Downward Adaptation and How We Sometimes Pull Others in Too

Have you ever tried to squeeze into clothes that are way too small, just to avoid buying new ones? It is uncomfortable, tight, and you cannot move properly. But sometimes, people convince themselves it is “good enough.”

We do something similar in our lives, relationships, and even with ourselves. It is called downward adaptation, and it can quietly affect your happiness, confidence, and sense of self, often without you realizing it.

But there is another piece to this puzzle too: Sometimes, when we have been stuck in downward adaptation for a long time, we unconsciously pull other people into our old patterns without meaning to. That is called projective identification and understanding both can help you untangle what is really happening in your relationships.

What is Downward Adaptation?

Downward adaptation happens when you lower your expectations, needs, or hopes to fit into situations that are not truly working for you. It is like shrinking parts of yourself to fit into relationships, jobs, or environments that do not meet your needs. But instead of growing, you start feeling smaller inside.

At first, it feels protective. You tell yourself:

• “Maybe I’m asking for too much.”
• “It’s fine. I don’t really need that.”
• “This is just how life is.”

But over time, you might notice:

• Feeling disconnected from your true self
• Quiet frustration, sadness, or resentment
• Staying in relationships or environments that drain you

Where Projective Identification Sneaks In

Here is where it gets interesting: When you are stuck in downward adaptation, your expectations of relationships get so familiar that your body and mind start bracing for the same old patterns, even when you meet new people.

And without realizing it, you might pull others into playing those old roles, even if they did not mean to.

This is called projective identification, which is basically the tendency to carry around old feelings or fears from the past (like rejection, neglect, or feeling unworthy), and without realizing it, you behave in ways that make other people feel, react, or show up exactly how you expect, even if that is not who they are.

It is not about manipulation, and it is usually unconscious. But it can reinforce the belief:

• “See? People always disappoint me.”
• “I knew I wasn’t worth caring for.”

A Metaphor to Explain It

Imagine you have been wearing scratched sunglasses for years. Everything looks a little distorted – darker, cracked, or foggy. Now, someone offers you a clear, brand-new pair of glasses. But when you try them on, it feels weird – too bright, too clear – so you instinctively reach for your old, scratched pair.

With downward adaptation, you shrink your needs to match your scratched-glasses view of the world.

With projective identification, you sometimes hand those scratched glasses to other people, and suddenly, they start acting through that distorted lens too.

Real-Life Examples

Relationships:

You grew up feeling invisible. In adult relationships, you assume people do not really care, so you hold back your emotions. Over time, your partner feels shut out – they pull away, confirming your fear: “See, I’m invisible again.”

Work:

You have adapted downward by believing your skills are not valuable. You act hesitant or play small in meetings. Your boss overlooks you, not because you are not capable, but because your energy says, “Don’t see me.”

Friendships:

You expect rejection, so you keep conversations surface-level. Friends sense distance, stop inviting you, and you tell yourself, “I knew they didn’t like me.”

This is the cycle of downward adaptation feeding projective identification, which keeps old patterns stuck, even when life offers new possibilities.

How to Change the Cycle

Good news: These dynamics are not permanent. But it takes awareness and courage to shift.

Begin by Noticing the Shrinking. Ask:

• Where am I lowering my needs to keep the peace?
• Do I expect disappointment before giving people a real chance?

Recognize Old Patterns Showing Up. Watch for times you:

• Assume the worst about relationships
• Behave in ways that make those fears come true
• Feel discomfort when people are showing you kindness, presence, or validation

Pause the Old Reaction

• When someone shows care, and your instinct is to shut down or push away, pause. Get curious instead of shrinking or handing them your scratched-glasses lens.

Practice Tolerating the Unfamiliar

• Healthy relationships might feel strange at first. It does not mean they are wrong; it means they are different from what your nervous system expects.

Final Thoughts

You were not meant to stay small to fit someone else’s comfort zone.

You were not meant to relive the same old relational wounds.

And you definitely were not meant to hand everyone your scratched glasses, so the world always looks the same.

Downward adaptation helped you survive, but growth means stretching beyond that.

Projective identification keeps the old stories alive; but awareness lets you rewrite them.

It is okay if safety feels weird at first. Keep trying on those new, clear glasses. With time, the unfamiliar can start to feel like home.

Curious about this pattern in your own life? Therapy can help you untangle these old lenses, reconnect to your real self, and build relationships where you no longer have to shrink to fit.