Are We Playing the Same Game? How Curiosity Helps Us Tell if Someone is Really There with Us

Imagine you are getting ready to play a game of baseball. You walk up to the field with your glove, bat, and ball, ready to connect, ready to play. But the other person shows up…with a cat.

Not a bat. A cat.

They step onto the field like, “Okay, let’s play!”

And suddenly, you are wondering: Are we even playing the same game?

This is what it can feel like in relationships when you are trying to connect in cognitive, emotional, or physical capacities, but you and the other person are using completely different tools, different rules, or different languages.

In therapy, we look at these moments carefully. Not just to figure out what went wrong, but to understand whether this person is available to connect with you – and how you can stay grounded in yourself while figuring that out.

Let’s explore these using ideas from Attachment Theory, Gottman’s Method, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and the Psychodynamic concept of Separation-Individuation, with metaphors and stories that help make it all easier to understand.

Co-Regulation vs. Self-Regulation: Are We in This Together?

When emotions get big (e.g., excitement, fear, sadness, stress), people can respond in one of two ways:

1. Co-regulation: Calming down with someone else. This looks like listening, showing up, staying curious, being present. It feels like emotional teamwork.
   • For example, if someone turns toward you, asks how you are feeling, leans in, stays open, they are inviting co-regulation.
2. Self-regulation: Calming down on your own. This is not bad, it is sometimes essential. But if it is the only strategy someone uses, it can create distance when you are trying to connect.
   • For example, if they turn away (ignore) or turn against (criticize or deflect), they are retreating into self-regulation.

The big question is: Are they reaching for connection or pulling away from it?

Wrong Language vs. Different Game

Let’s go back to the baseball metaphor. Sometimes, someone shows up and they want to connect, but they just keep missing the ball. They have the bat, they swing, but they whiff every time. That is like using the wrong language in relationships. The person may care, but their words, timing, or tone are not landing.

Other times, they show up with a cat instead of a bat. They are not even trying to play the same game. That is like when someone is emotionally checked out, avoidant, or playing by totally different relational rules. They may not be able, or willing, to meet you in the emotional field where you are trying to connect.

So how do you tell the difference? Curiosity is the Clue

If someone is curious (e.g., about how you feel, what matters to you, what you need), they are likely trying to connect, even if they mess up sometimes.

If someone is not curious (e.g., if they dismiss, ignore, or deflect), you might be the only one really on the field.

Attachment Styles: Push and Pull in the Game of Connection

Our early experiences with caregivers shape how we behave in relationships later. This is called Attachment Theory. Two common patterns are:

Push (Avoidant Attachment): People with this style tend to back away when things get intense. It is like they leave the field when emotions start flying. They may:

• Get quiet
• Minimize your needs
• Act like connection is not important (even when it is)

Pull (Anxious Attachment): People with this style tend to cling or chase when they feel disconnected. It is like running right up to the pitcher yelling, “Please play with me the right way!” They may:

• Over-explain themselves
• Try to fix or please
• Feel panicky when misunderstood

Here is where it gets interesting:

• If you notice yourself pushing someone away, it might mean they are using the wrong language, and it does not feel safe.
• If you feel the need to pull someone closer, it might mean they are playing a different game, and you are hoping you can still meet in the middle.

Internal Family Systems (IFS): Who’s Reacting Inside?

IFS helps us understand ourselves as having different “parts” inside us, kind of like an inner team. Some parts protect us, some carry pain, and some just want connection. But we also have a core Self: Calm, curious, compassionate.

When we lead with Self, we can:

• Stay open instead of defensive
• Ask, “Which part of me just flinched?”
• Stay grounded even when someone else is fumbling or reacting

Curiosity is like the team coach, reminding everyone to breathe, pause, and pay attention before swinging the emotional bat.

Gottman’s “Turning Toward” Principle: Are They Reaching Back?

Dr. John Gottman found that strong relationships are built on small moments of connection. He calls this “turning toward”. Imagine saying:

• “I’m nervous about tomorrow.”
• “Check out this meme – it made me laugh.”
• “I’m struggling with something.”

And the other person responds by:

• Turning toward: “Tell me more.”
• Turning away: “Huh? Anyway…”
• Turning against: “Why do you always make things about you?”

Each time someone turns toward you, even a little, it builds emotional trust. If someone repeatedly turns away or turns against, it is a sign they may not be available for connection, no matter how much you want to play the game.

Separation-Individuation: Staying You While Staying Connected

Here is something really important: You can be deeply connected without losing yourself.

In psychodynamic therapy, we talk about separation-individuation, which is the process of learning:

• Who you are
• Where you end and the other begins
• How to stay connected without collapsing

When someone shows up with confusing behavior (e.g., wrong emotional language, different goals, mismatched expectations), you might start to question:

• Am I being too much?
• Do I need to shrink myself to stay close?
• Should I bend the rules of my game to keep them around?

These are powerful questions and asking them means you are growing. You are learning how to honor your own emotional field, your own rules, your own bat.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself is to stay curious about what is happening but refuse to trade in your identity just to keep someone nearby.

Push and Pull: In Them and You

Paying attention to both people’s behavior helps you understand the emotional dance:

• If you are pushing away, is it self-protection from someone who keeps missing?
• If you are pulling closer, is it because you sense they have already left the field?
• If they are pushing, are they avoiding closeness?
• If they are pulling, are they trying – just clumsily – to be seen?

Every push and pull is a signal. And curiosity is the decoder ring.

What Can You Do With All This?

Ask yourself:

• Is this person trying to meet me, even if they fumble?
• Are they curious about me, or just reacting to protect themselves?
• Am I showing up fully as myself, or shrinking to match their energy?
• Are we trying to play the same game…or are we in different stadiums?

Final Word: Curiosity Is the Key

You do not need perfect connection. You do not need a perfect swing. But you do need someone who is willing to learn how the bat works; or at the very least, someone who shows up with a willingness to understand your game.

Whether you are hitting home runs or striking out, emotional connection starts with curiosity.

Curiosity is how we stay present, how we stay human, and how we tell who is really in the game with us.

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