Many people come to therapy feeling anxious, guilty, or unsure of themselves. These feelings often show up when we try to set boundaries, express our needs, or take up space. For people who are women, Two-Spirit, queer, transgender, nonbinary, Black, Indigenous, or people of colour, these feelings often have a deeper root. They may not just be about personal experiences. They may come from something older – something passed down through family and community.
In therapy, this is where we begin to talk about intergenerational trauma and legacy burdens.
What Are Intergenerational Trauma and Legacy Burdens?
Intergenerational trauma is the emotional pain and stress passed from one generation to another. It can happen in families or communities affected by violence, colonization, war, displacement, or oppression. People may not talk about these experiences, but the effects often show up in how they parent, cope, and relate to others.
Legacy burdens are the beliefs, emotions, or habits we inherit. These often started as survival strategies. For example, a grandparent who lived with strict gender rules may have needed to act in certain ways to stay safe. Today, those patterns might still show up, even if they are no longer helpful.
Power, Control, and Hidden Privilege
In many cultures, especially in North America, men – especially white, cisgender men – have often had more power. This power did not always need to be shown. It was built into the systems: Jobs, banks, schools, politics, and even families. Because of this, some people did not need to ask for power – they just had it.
Others, like women and gender-diverse people, often had to work much harder to be heard, seen, or taken seriously. Sometimes this showed up as being assertive or even controlling – not because they wanted to overpower others, but because they had to fight for respect.
Imagine a woman in the 1940s. Her husband legally owned their house, car, and bank account. To have any say in their life together, she had to assert herself in other ways. Her actions were about survival, not dominance.
Or think about a modern workplace. An administrative professional may seem to have a lot of control over daily operations. But if they do not own the company, their power is limited. The person who owns the business does not need to speak loudly to be in charge. They just are.
This is what we call hidden privilege – the quiet, often invisible power some people hold simply because of their place in a system.
When the Past Lives Inside Us
Despite the stride to equality, the old patterns can still live inside us. We might:
- Avoid conflict, even when we are being treated unfairly
- Feel uncomfortable being praised
- Push ourselves too hard to be “good enough”
- Struggle to ask for help
These are not random reactions. They are signs that parts of us are still living by old rules. In therapy, we sometimes call these psychoemotional distortions – feelings or beliefs that are strong, but not always true in the present moment.
Healing Through Relational Work
Healing does not simply mean changing behaviours. It means understanding where they come from, gently exploring what is still useful, and letting go of what is no longer needed.
This is called relational development. It means we grow by looking at how we relate to ourselves and others, not just by trying to “fix” our actions. We use reality testing – checking whether our feelings match what is happening now. This helps us:
- Build self-confidence (trust in our ability to handle life)
- Strengthen self-competence (knowing we can understand and manage our emotions)
This process is supported by a therapist who will:
- Empathize with your experience – because all feelings make sense in context.
- Nurture the parts of you that learned to be small, quiet, or overly helpful.
- Validate what you have lived through – even if you are already changing.
Examples of Healing in Action
Healing sounds like:
- “This fear feels big, but it is not from today.”
- “I do not have to earn love by being perfect.”
- “I notice my urge to withdraw, and I choose to stay present.”
Healing feels like:
- Letting go of guilt that was never yours to carry
- Pausing before reacting
- Recognizing that some old stories do not belong to you
- Speaking from your real self, not your survival self
Final Thoughts: Becoming the First Link in a New Chain
When we heal intergenerational trauma and legacy burdens, we start a new path. We become the first link in a different kind of chain – one rooted in clarity, care, and choice.
This does not mean we forget the past. It means we honour it, learn from it, and stop letting it rule our present.
You were never meant to carry all of this alone. You can begin to let go of what was never truly yours. One breath, one choice, one insight at a time.
You deserve the space to be fully yourself – not as a reaction to the past, but as a new way of being.
And you are allowed to begin, right here.
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