Have you ever found yourself wanting something simply because someone else has it?
Maybe it’s a promotion, a luxury car, the latest gadget, a dream relationship, or even an entirely different lifestyle. At first, it feels like your desire. But what if it isn’t?
According to French anthropologist René Girard, much of what we desire is not created independently. Instead, we learn what to want by watching other people. This phenomenon is called mimetic desire, and it quietly shapes everything from our careers and relationships to our spending habits and self-esteem.
In the age of Instagram, TikTok, and LinkedIn, this tendency has become stronger than ever. We’re exposed to thousands of carefully curated lives every day, making comparison feel almost unavoidable.
Understanding mimetic desire can help explain why we feel stuck chasing goals that never seem satisfying, and more importantly, how we can begin building a life that reflects our own values instead of someone else’s.
What Is Mimetic Desire?
René Girard argued that desire is rarely a simple relationship between you and the thing you want.
Instead, desire forms a triangle:
- You
- The object of desire
- Another person who models that desire
In other words, we often want something because we see someone else wanting (or possessing) it.
Consider an expensive limited-edition product that suddenly becomes wildly popular. The object itself may not have much intrinsic value. Its appeal comes from the fact that a particular community has decided it’s desirable. Those people become our models, teaching us what is worth pursuing.
This pattern extends far beyond consumer products. It influences:
- Career ambitions
- Fitness ideals
- Lifestyle choices
- Relationship goals
- Social status
- Wealth
Sometimes we’re not chasing what we genuinely want. Instead, we are chasing a version of ourselves that we’ve learned to admire through someone else’s life.
What Are the Two Types of Models That Shape Our Desires?
Girard identified two kinds of people who influence our desires, which he called mediators.
External mediators exist outside your everyday world. These might include:
- Authors
- Famous athletes
- Historical figures
- Musicians
- Public intellectuals
Because they’re psychologically distant, you can admire them without feeling like you’re directly competing with them.
Internal mediators are much closer to home. They may be:
- Classmates
- Coworkers
- Family members
- Friends
- Neighbours
Because they feel attainable, their achievements can trigger comparison, envy, insecurity, and self-doubt.
Instead of simply admiring them, your brain may interpret their success as your failure, as though there’s only so much happiness, status, or opportunity available.
This is where comparison becomes emotionally exhausting.
Why Does Social Media Make Mimetic Desire Worse?
For most of human history, our social world was relatively small. We compared ourselves to the people in our villages, neighbourhoods, workplaces, or families.
Today, our comparison group is effectively infinite.
Social media algorithms constantly identify people whose lives are most likely to capture your attention (and make you want what they have).
Someone who should be an external mediator suddenly feels like an internal mediator.
You know what they eat.
You know where they travel.
You know how they decorate their home.
You know their workout routine.
You know their career milestones.
Even if they live on the other side of the world, their life feels close enough to compare yourself against.
The problem is that you are comparing your everyday reality with someone else’s carefully edited highlight reel.
Research consistently links excessive social media use with poorer mental health. Mimetic desire helps explain why these platforms can feel so psychologically powerful.
Perhaps the most difficult comparisons are not with celebrities. What if they are with people who seem just slightly ahead of us?
The entrepreneur in the neighbouring city.
The coworker who seems effortlessly successful.
Because their lives feel attainable, they can become the strongest sources of envy.
The Trap of “Rejecting” Society:
Learning about mimetic desire often inspires people to rebel.
They might think:
“Everyone else wants money and status. I’ll reject it all, become a minimalist, move somewhere tropical, and live a simple life.”
Ironically, Girard would argue this can still be a mimetic desire. You are still allowing other people to define your choices. Instead of copying society, you’re reacting against it.
Whether you are chasing luxury or rejecting luxury, your identity is still being shaped by someone else’s values.
You’re still playing the same game… just on the opposite team.
The Trap of “Rejecting” Society:
Human beings are inherently social. We naturally understand ourselves in relation to other people. The healthier goal isn’t eliminating influence. It’s becoming intentional about who influences you.
- “If no one else’s opinion mattered, what would I truly want?”
- “What dreams did I have before the comparison entered the picture?”
- “Which of my desires feel authentic and which ones feel borrowed?”
- “Which values genuinely matter to me?”
These aren’t questions you’ll answer in five minutes. They often require honest reflection through journaling, therapy, meditation, or meaningful conversations with people you trust.
The Real Alternative:
Girard believed there was another path. Instead of constantly comparing ourselves horizontally with other people, we can orient ourselves vertically toward higher values.
Rather than asking:
“How do I measure up?”
- “Does this align with my values?”
- “Does this contribute something meaningful?”
- “Does this express compassion?”
- “Does this help me grow?”
- “Does this reflect the truth?”
These principles can then become a personal compass driving our desires.
When your identity rests on values rather than status, you can be less vulnerable to the constant ups and downs of comparison.
Money changes. Beauty changes. Popularity changes. Algorithms change.
But qualities like kindness, integrity, curiosity, wisdom, and love remain available regardless of external circumstances.
Why Do We Often Compare the Wrong Things?
When we are uncertain about ourselves, external measurements become attractive. It is difficult to compare internal experiences like peace, joy, or purpose.
It’s much easier to compare:
- Awards
- Cars
- Followers
- Homes
- Job titles
- Salary
- Vacations
These “metrics” are visible, measurable, and endlessly displayed online. Over time, our identity can become attached to numbers instead of meaning and this can be a recipe for chronic anxiety as those numbers are always changing.
Two Practical Ways to Reduce Comparison:
Breaking free from mimetic desire is an ongoing practice and not a one-time decision. Below are two practical habits that can help.
Curate your influences.
Accept that you’ll always be influenced by others, but the key is choosing those influences deliberately. Take inventory of the people and content you consume and ask yourself:
- After spending time with their content, do I feel motivated or inadequate?
- Do their values align with mine?
- Do these people inspire who I want to become?
Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is unfollow accounts that constantly pull you into comparison. Protecting your attention is protecting your mental health.
Practice Memento Mori.
Although it sounds grim, its purpose is deeply freeing. Whenever comparison begins consuming you, ask yourself:
“If I had one year left to live, would this still matter?”
Suddenly, many worries can start to lose their power. The fear of someone else’s opinion becomes less important. Waiting for permission feels unnecessary. Remembering the finite nature of life helps clarify what deserves your time and energy.
Final Thoughts:
Mimetic desire is part of being human. We naturally learn what to value by observing the people around us. Today’s digital world has magnified this tendency, exposing us to an endless stream of lives that invite comparison.
You can’t eliminate influence entirely, but you can become aware of it.Notice the people shaping your desires. Question whether you’re pursuing someone else’s definition of success.Anchor yourself in values that don’t depend on popularity, wealth, or status.
And remember: your life is finite.
Spend it becoming more fully yourself, not a polished imitation of someone else.
The next time you find yourself chasing something, pause for a moment and ask:
“Do I genuinely want this? Or did I simply learn to want it?”
That single question may be the beginning of a more authentic, meaningful life.