Parenting is a lot like learning to drive with a cell phone in the car.
When car phones first appeared in the late 1980s, they were a marvel. By the 1990s and early 2000s, nearly everyone had a cell phone – and used them while driving. At the time, it was not against the law, which did not mean driving while using a cell phone was safe, just that we did not fully understand the risk yet.
It was not until 2013 that jurisdictions established clear laws prohibiting the use of handheld devices while driving – a full 25 years after mobile phones became mainstream. This slow evolution mirrors something we do not talk about enough: How long it can take for parenting practices to catch up with what we now know helps children thrive.
Parenting: Then and Now
If you were raised in the 70s, 80s, or even 90s, you may remember a different kind of parenting – one shaped more by instinct, tradition, or survival than psychology. Spanking was common and emotional validation was rare. Many families operated with the belief that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
But now we know more. Decades of research in child development, trauma, and attachment theory have reshaped our understanding of what kids truly need. And like distracted driving laws, the shift in parenting approaches has taken time – and still is. As such, while we cannot hold parents accountable for what they did not yet know, we can empower them with what we now know.
Why Parenting Change Is Even Slower Now
Here is another factor: Parents are having children later in life. In Canada, for example, the average age of first-time mothers rose from 25.9 in 1991 to over 30 in recent years (Statistics Canada, 2022). Similar trends are seen in the U.S. and across many other developed countries (Mathews & Hamilton, 2016).
This means today’s parents often spend 30+ years shaped by the parenting they received before having the chance to do things differently. That is three decades of ingrained patterns – many of which must be examined and unlearned.
So, if it feels hard to change how you parent, it is because it is hard. But hard does not mean impossible – it means important.
Self-Compassion for the Parenting Journey
Maybe you are working to parent differently than how you were raised. That is not an overnight process. It is more like passing through time zones – you are still moving forward, even if the scenery looks familiar.
Change requires patience, curiosity, and often, professional support. According to attachment research, repair is more powerful than perfection (Tronick, 2007). That means it is okay to get it wrong, as long as you keep showing up.
Also, slipping into old patterns does not erase your progress. Growth is not linear. Every attempt you make contributes to healing – not just for your child, but for you and future generations.
If it took 25 years for cell phone laws to catch up with safety science, we can be gentle with ourselves as we grow into better, more attuned parents.
Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers a space to reflect on the parenting you received and the parent you want to become. It helps you break intergenerational cycles, build emotional resilience, and respond rather than react.
If you are ready to explore this work, you do not have to do it alone. Support is available – and you deserve it.
Takeaway Tips for Growing Parents
- Be patient with yourself. Change takes time – and repetition.
- Repair – do not aim for perfection. Reconnecting after mistakes builds trust.
- Talk to someone. Therapy can help you make sense of your story.
- Celebrate small wins. Even noticing you want to do things differently is a big deal.
- You are not late. You are right on time to make meaningful change.
References:
Mathews, T. J., & Hamilton, B. E. (2016). Mean Age of Mothers is on the Rise: United States, 2000–2014 (NCHS Data Brief No. 232). National Center for Health Statistics.
Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2013). Parenting from the inside out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive. TarcherPerigee.
Statistics Canada. (2022). Fertility in Canada: Overview, 2021. Retrieved from https://www.statcan.gc.ca
Tronick, E. (2007). The neurobehavioral and social-emotional development of infants and children. W.W. Norton & Company.
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