Feelings Are Not Facts (Even When They Feel Really Real)
Have you ever felt ignored or misunderstood by someone close to you, even when they did not actually say or do anything hurtful?
- Maybe your friend did not reply to your message.
- Maybe your partner looked away during a conversation.
- Maybe your therapist paused a little too long before answering.
Suddenly, your brain shouts:
- “They don’t care about me.”
- “I’m not important.”
- “They don’t understand me.”
Those thoughts feel real. But are they true? That’s where reality testing comes in.
What Is Reality Testing?
Think of your brain like a weather station. It is always scanning the skies for storms. When it sees even one dark cloud, it might start shouting, “THUNDERSTORM INCOMING!”, even if it is just a passing shadow.
Reality testing means stepping outside and actually checking the sky. It is a way of asking: “Is this thought a storm…or just a cloud?”
In therapy, reality testing helps us figure out whether our assumptions match what is really happening in the world; or whether our emotions are pulling us off track.
Icebergs and Invisible Feelings
People are like icebergs. What you see on the surface (e.g., words, tone, body language) is just the tip. Underneath is a whole hidden world of feelings, stress, history, and fear.
When someone seems cold, distracted, or distant, your brain might assume it is about you. But the truth could be hiding underwater.
That is why reality testing is so powerful: It helps us stay curious instead of making up scary stories.
Common Cognitive Distortions (a.k.a. Thought Traps)
Our brains are meaning-making machines. But sometimes, they jump to conclusions that are not fair, true, or helpful. These thinking habits are called cognitive distortions. Here are a few common ones:
| Distortion | Definition | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Black-and-White Thinking | Seeing things as all good or all bad. | “I failed once, so I’ll never succeed.” |
| Catastrophizing | Expecting the worst possible outcome. | “If I mess this up, I’ll lose everything.” |
| Emotional Reasoning | Believing that feelings are facts. | “I feel anxious, so something bad must be happening.” |
| Filtering | Focusing only on the negative and ignoring the positive. | “I got one piece of criticism, so the whole thing was a failure.” |
| Labeling | Assigning a fixed identity based on one event. | “I forgot to call back – I’m such a bad friend.” |
| Mind Reading | Believing you know what others are thinking. | “They didn’t say hi, so they must be mad at me.” |
| Personalization | Thinking everything is your fault. | “They’re upset – it must be because of me.” |
These distortions are not flaws; they are survival tools. But in today’s world, they often cause more pain than protection. Reality testing helps loosen their grip.
Protest and Deactivation: When We Do Not Feel Understood
Let’s look deeper – especially at how we react when we don’t feel understood.
If you have ever said to your therapist, “You just don’t get me…”
Or found yourself pulling away silently, thinking, “Why bother trying to explain again…”
You might be experiencing something called an attachment protest or deactivation strategy.
Protest Strategies
Protest is when we reach outward, but with frustration or intensity. It is the inner child yelling, “See me! Hear me! Get it right this time!”
You might question your therapist’s care, test their commitment, or even lash out a little.
Deactivation Strategies
Deactivation is when we shut down. We go cold, distant, or quiet. It is the inner protector saying, “Don’t get too close. You won’t get what you need anyway.”
You might avoid talking about feelings or convince yourself you do not need connection.
How Reality Testing Helps Here
When protest or deactivation shows up, try asking:
- What would be the benefit for my therapist to not understand me on purpose?
(Hint: Therapists are literally trained and paid to understand you. If they miss something, it’s likely a mistake, not malice.) - Where did I first learn to respond this way when I didn’t feel seen or heard?
Was it with a parent who misunderstood you?
A caregiver who ignored your needs?
A friend or partner who dismissed your emotions?
- Am I assuming history is repeating itself, even though this is a new person and situation?
These questions help shift your lens from past fear to present facts.
Try This Reality Testing Exercise
Write down a situation where you felt misunderstood. Then split your page in two columns:
| What I Thought/Felt | What the Reality Might Be |
|---|---|
| “My therapist doesn’t care.” | “They paused because they were thinking.” |
| “My friend ignored me.” | “Maybe they were distracted or busy.” |
Finish with: “What else could be true?” This question is the key to freedom.
Healing Takes Time – and Practice
Your brain is doing its best with what it knows. Protest and shutdown kept you safe before. Now, you are learning new ways.
- You are allowed to check the sky before assuming it is a storm.
- You are allowed to ask questions instead of making assumptions.
- And you are allowed to stay open to new kinds of connection, even if they feel unfamiliar.
Final Words: Keep the Conversation Going
Therapy is not about being “fixed.” It is about getting curious. It is about gently asking:
- “What am I feeling?”
- “Where does this come from?”
- “Is this happening now or is this an old fear showing up again?”
Reality testing helps us stay grounded, connected, and compassionate – with ourselves and others.
So next time you feel misunderstood, abandoned, or unsure: Pause. Look up. Ask yourself: “Is this a storm… or just a cloud?”
A Note to Take With You:
Sometimes, reality testing will confirm what you feared: The other person is not showing up how you need. The misunderstanding is not just a passing cloud, sometimes it is part of a larger storm system you cannot control.
In those moments, the work shifts. Instead of trying harder to be understood, it is about knowing when to protect your peace, clarify your boundaries, or step away.
If you would like to explore this further, you might find these articles helpful:
Both offer insight into how to navigate relationships where your reality testing reveals difficult truths, and how to honour yourself in the process.
You deserve relationships where curiosity, care, and understanding can flow both ways. May your reality testing always be in service of compassion, for yourself first, and for others when possible.
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You can listen to the audio version of this article below:
Want to know more about a specific topic related to psychotherapy? Send me an email (adam@cwcp.ca) and let me know so I can write a blog post about it. And if you would like an honorable mention for your recommendation, let me know that too and I will include your name!
