At some point, all of us are called to answer one of life’s most enduring questions: Who am I, apart from others?
This question lives at the heart of separation-individuation, a developmental process that begins in early childhood but continues to unfold in new ways throughout our lives, especially during times of transition, loss, healing, or growth.
Separation-Individuation in a Nutshell
- Begins in childhood but continues in adulthood;
- Is about developing a distinct, secure identity;
- Helps us form more authentic, less performative relationships; and
- Can feel vulnerable, liberating, and worth doing, with support.
When Did You First Realize You Were Separate? The Early Roots
Think of a young child like a little boat tied to the dock of a parent. In the early months, the boat and dock are one; the child does not yet see themselves as separate from the caregiver. But as time passes, the boat begins to drift slightly, testing the rope, moving in the current, returning for reassurance. This push-and-pull is natural. It is how we begin to build a sense of Self.
Psychoanalyst Margaret Mahler, who coined the term separation-individuation, observed that young children pass through phases: First recognizing their separateness, then asserting their independence, and finally internalizing the emotional safety to be away from caregivers without fear of losing connection.
But here is the thing: This is not just a childhood process. The need to separate and individuate resurfaces in many adult experiences: Leaving home, ending a relationship, becoming a parent, recovering from enmeshment, or even learning to say “no” for the first time.
Who Am I Without Them? The Adult Version
If the childhood version is a boat and a dock, the adult version might look more like a tree learning to grow in its own soil. Sometimes we have grown too close to another’s roots, so tangled we do not know which nourishment is ours. Therapy often becomes the gentle work of untangling these roots; not to sever connection, but to clarify identity.
You might hear this expressed in phrases like:
- “I don’t know what I want. I’ve always done what my family expected.”
- “I feel guilty when I prioritize my needs.”
- “I’ve spent so long adapting to others, I’ve forgotten who I am.”
A client once said, “I always thought I was just a version of what others needed. Therapy helped me ask, for the first time: What do I want?”
Separation-individuation invites us to return to ourselves.
It is not a rejection of love or relationship. It is not rebellion for rebellion’s sake. Rather, it is a mature act of recognizing that healthy closeness requires healthy distance. The paradox of individuation is that the more we know who we are, the more authentically we can connect with others; because we are no longer performing, pleasing, or protecting.
How Therapy Helps You Find Your Voice
In psychotherapy, separation-individuation often looks like:
- Naming the ways we have been shaped: By parents, partners, cultures, or institutions.
- Grieving the loss of roles or identities we outgrow, and the relationships that may change when we grow.
- Reclaiming our voice, values, boundaries, and desires.
Sometimes this process is gentle, like waking up from a long nap and remembering who you are. Other times, it is more like molting: Messy, vulnerable, but necessary.
Try This:
- In what ways have you been shaped by someone else’s expectations?
- Where in your life are you ready to grow your own roots?
You Are Allowed to Become
Here is one final metaphor: Imagine a bird learning to fly. At first, its wings feel awkward. The nest is familiar. But instinct calls it skyward. Not because the nest was bad, but because the bird was meant to fly.
Separation-individuation is like that: The slow, sometimes scary, ultimately liberating act of becoming more you, without apology, without collapse, without erasing others to find yourself.
And if that sounds hard, you are not alone. It often helps to have a witness – a therapist, a mentor, a community – who can hold space as you reorient. Because it takes courage to untie the rope or step out of the nest. But on the other side is something precious: A life that is yours.
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Want to know more about a specific topic related to psychotherapy? Send me an email (adam@cwcp.ca) and let me know so I can write a blog post about it. And if you would like an honorable mention for your recommendation, let me know that too and I will include your name!
