Many couples experience challenges in their relationships, often encountering recurring disagreements and feeling a sense of stagnation. They are not able to pinpoint the underlying reasons for their conflicts.
We recently spoke with our clinic director, Adam Terpstra, about his perspective on what couples should understand before starting therapy. Adam explains that relationship therapy typically centres on two key aspects to support these individuals: “stuckness” and attachment theory. Gaining insight into these areas can facilitate relationship improvement, enabling couples to reconnect effectively.
The Problem of Being “Stuck”
In 1954, researchers Hastorf and Cantril conducted a seminal study called “They Saw a Game” which examined how individuals perceive the same event differently.
This phenomenon is often observed in daily interpersonal interactions. Conflict may arise when parties are unaware that they are discussing different issues. For example, one person may believe the disagreement concerns household chores, while the other perceives it as a matter of respect. Since they are addressing different concerns, reaching an agreement becomes challenging. Recognizing that each person may have a unique perspective is essential for moving past such conflicts.
Why Different Perspectives Cause Tension
When partners in a relationship have differing perspectives, it is common to experience frustration and a sense that their concerns are not being acknowledged. In many cases, both parties are focused on the same situation but interpret it differently. This discrepancy in understanding can create barriers to effective communication and collaboration.
Psychotherapists aim to assist their patients in adopting a more objective viewpoint. It is important to step back and evaluate the situation from an external perspective, asking oneself what the core issue truly is. Often, the apparent conflict is a surface-level manifestation of underlying concerns.
The Example of Weekend Rain
To understand the idea of “stuckness” better, think about the weather — specifically, that familiar, almost poetic notion of “weekend rain.” This is a great example of how two people can look at the same thing and have different feelings.
Imagine a humble farmer living in the countryside who relies on rain to irrigate their crops. Without adequate rainfall, their plants may wither, leading to financial loss. For the farmer, rainfall, regardless of the day, is beneficial, as it is essential for the survival of their crops.
In contrast, think of a person residing in the city who works a standard 9-5 job Monday through Friday. They may look forward to the weekends to relax and enjoy outdoor activities. When it rains on a Saturday, it can be perceived as an inconvenience, potentially disrupting plans and causing frustration. To this city-dweller, weekend rain may be viewed as a hindrance.
Identifying the Real Issue
Is the rain the actual problem? No. The rain is just water falling from the sky. The real issue is how the rain affects each person.
In this situation, the farmer and the city-dweller could engage in a lengthy discussion about the rain, but they would remain at a disagreement. This occurs because they are not discussing the same issue. One is referring to crops, while the other is concerned with personal well-being or happiness. Both, however, are speaking from their own perspectives about the same unmet emotional need: Loss. Cultivating capacity within a relationship to leverage curiosity in pursuit of identifying the underlying unmet emotional need is a dominant role of relationship therapy.
In relationships, it is important to recognize the underlying concerns or “rain” in disagreements and understand what it signifies for your partner.
Understanding Attachment Theory
The second major aspect of relationship therapy is attachment theory, which explores how individuals form and maintain connections with others. Many couples seeking support tend to be engaged in a particular relational pattern known as the anxious-avoidant dynamic.
This pattern typically involves two types of individuals, each facing distinct challenges. One partner may have a fear of abandonment or loneliness, while the other may struggle with feeling overwhelmed or smothered. When these two individuals come together, they often develop a cyclical interaction that can be difficult to resolve.
The Anxious-Preoccupied Partner
The Anxious-Preoccupied individual in a relationship may often encounter feelings of loneliness. They tend to be emotionally expressive and value close connections with their partner. When they sense a perceived distance or disconnection, it can lead to feelings of fear and distress.
Experiences of perceived isolation may then result in them exhibiting increased neediness and seeking frequent reassurance. They may often desire confirmation of their partner’s continued affection. In the absence of such reassurance, they might respond by seeking additional attention or expressing their concerns more openly.
The Avoidant-Dismissing Partner
The Avoidant-Dismissing individual in a relationship may experience challenges related to feelings of worthlessness and a fear of intense emotions. They tend to suppress their own feelings as a protective mechanism. When faced with heightened emotional situations, they may feel overwhelmed or smothered. They often prioritize their independence and may be distressed by perceived shortcomings in the relationship.
When their partner seeks greater closeness or engagement, they might interpret this as a failure on their part, which can reinforce feelings of inadequacy. In response, they may withdraw or distance themselves to manage these feelings.
Why Anxious and Avoidant People Attract Each Other
It may seem counterintuitive, but these two personality types often find themselves attracted to each other. Initially, they seem to complement one another perfectly, providing exactly what each perceives they need.
- The Avoidant-Dismissing’s Perspective: They view the anxious individual as vibrant and full of energy and emotions. This liveliness is appealing to the avoidant person, who may often be more reserved or restricted. It creates an attraction similar to a moth to a flame.
- The Anxious-Preoccupied’s Perspective: They perceive the avoidant individual as stoic and reserved, believing that the avoidant person is skilled at managing their emotions. The anxious individual hopes that the avoidant partner can help stabilize their own intense feelings.
At first, this dynamic can feel very positive where one brings energy while the other provides calm. However, over time, the qualities that initially attracted them to each other can become sources of frustration.
The Dance of Withdrawal and Attack
Once the honeymoon phase ends, the “dance” begins. This is the cycle that typically brings couples into therapy. It follows a very specific set of steps.
- The Trigger: The anxious-preoccupied partner feels lonely and reaches out for more connection.
- The Reaction: The avoidant-dismissing partner feels smothered by the request. They feel like they are failing.
- The Withdrawal: To protect themselves, the avoidant-dismissing partner pulls away. They might stop talking or leave the room.
- The Attack: The anxious-preoccupied partner feels the withdrawal. Their loneliness turns into fear. They “attack” by complaining or getting angry to get a response.
- The Stuckness: Both partners feel hurt and misunderstood.
This cycle repeats over and over. The anxious-preoccupied partner thinks they are fighting for the relationship. The avoidant-dismissing person thinks they are protecting themselves from a fight. They do not realize they are both stuck because of their attachment styles.
How to Heal the Relationship
Healing starts when you realize you are in this dance. You must see that your partner is not trying to hurt you. They are just trying to manage their own pain. Both partners have work to do to make the relationship healthy.
Support for the Anxious-Preoccupied Partner
The anxious-preoccupied partner will develop skills in self-regulation and cultivate resilience in managing feelings of loneliness independently. It is important for them to recognize that they cannot depend solely on their partner to resolve all difficult emotions. By learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions, they can foster healthier, more constructive responses during challenging situations.
Support for the Avoidant-Dismissing Partner
The avoidant-dismissive partner will work on developing emotional awareness. It is important for them to understand that experiencing and expressing emotions is safe. Additionally, they can benefit from gradually increasing their reliance on their partner’s support. Instead of withdrawing when feeling uncertain or self-critical, they should be encouraged to stay engaged and present in the relationship.
Building Self-Confidence Together
When you feel good about yourself, you don’t fear loneliness or worthlessness as much. In this scenario, the avoidant-dismissing partner learns that they are “enough” even when their partner has needs. The anxious-preoccupied partner learns that they are “okay” even when they are alone.
Changing the cycle of conflict can be challenging and it is achievable. It is important to look beyond the surface of disagreements and consider what is truly underlying the issues. Reflect on whether you and your partner are addressing the same concerns.
For example, a disagreement about a task, expense, or comment may actually stem from how it makes each of you feel. If you find yourself in a pattern of anxious-avoidant interactions, there is hope for change. Developing emotional regulation skills and strengthening communication can foster a healthier connection. Seeking therapy can help you recognize and understand recurring patterns, empowering you to make conscious changes.
Focus on understanding both your partner’s concerns and your own needs. With consistent effort, conflicts can become opportunities for building a deeper, more resilient relationship.
This article was inspired by insights from our Clinic Director, Adam Terpstra, who regularly works with couples navigating these patterns in therapy.